Goofus and Gallant: A Film Stock Extra

Remember Goofus and Gallant? I just thought of these guys the other day for no apparent reason.

For those of you too young to remember the original Goofus and Gallant, I hate you for being younger than me. Goofus and Gallant were two characters in a cartoon meant to teach etiquette in Highlights Magazine for Children.

Highlights Magazine was harmless enough, I suppose, but in my mind, it just has this network of really creepy, foreboding associations because the only place I ever read it was in the waiting room at the dentist or doctor's office.

Full of dread, I flipped through that strangely old-fashioned kid's magazine, always dripping with subscription cards. I tried to distract myself by looking at page after page of puzzles already filled in sloppily with crayon, obscene appendages scribbled onto the little cartoon rabbits in the story illustrations, inky newsprint fingerprints on the cover from all the kids who had waited where I waited, flipping through the same exact magazine.

Anyway, in the strip, Goofus did things badly and impolitely. He pushed in line, talked loudly at the movies. Gallant was Mr. Perfect, offering his seat to old ladies on the bus, helping blind people cross the street. The idea was that kids would want to imitate Gallant, and shun the Goofus that lurks inside of each and every one of us.

The captions always ran like this: "Goofus pushes in line. Gallant waits his turn." underneath an illustration of said behavior. If I'm not mistaken, sometimes it was two pictures, sometimes it was the same picture: ie Goofus and Gallant waiting in the same line, Goofus pushing, Gallant and his oh-so-perfect friends looking on in shock and moral approbation.

Goofus and Gallant have remained cultural touchstones, but, sadly, I don't think many people are exposed to the original anymore. A Google search for images turned up lots of little G&G parodies and satires, but very few original images. There's no Goofus and Gallant homepage.

Like with a lot of things you saw when you were a kid, there seemed to be an unspoken back-story to the little strips. I mean, why were they always doing the same things? Gallant takes a drink of water, and there's Goofus, doing the same but in his own inimitable style. Gallant takes a swim at the beach and who shows up? Yep, You guessed it. Goofus, making a mess of things as usual. You'd think that with their totally opposite moral leanings they'd be more inclined to avoid each other. What was going on? What was the strange link between them? Total opposites in every way, and yet kindred brothers beneath the skin? How was it possible?

And if I'm not mistaken there were minor characters who made cameo appearances from time to time... Girls, grandparents, friends, etc. as in... Gallant offers his jacket to Mary Jane. Goofus says "The world's a cold place, bitch. Deal." How could these people make room for both of them, such polar opposites, in their lives?

And who were all these people anyway? I mean, the world they inhabited--tree-lined sidewalks and kittens in trees and smiling policemen and boys carrying girls' books home--seemed old-fashioned and removed even back then.

And what do you suppose happened to them when they grew up? According to my calculations, they'd be in their early forties now. I'm not so sure the straight and narrow path turned out to be the right thing for Gallant.

First of all, I bet Goofus ended up getting way more chicks than Gallant. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I suspect most girls say they want a Gallant, but secretly desire a Goofus.

Highlights really should have followed the two into adulthood for a more complex, in-depth moral instruction for American youth:

Gallant gets fired for blowing the whistle on the shady business practices of his corporate bosses.

Goofus gets named vice-president of a Fortune 500 company.

Gallant stays faithful to his wife even after she tells him she doesn't love him anymore.

Goofus gets a divorce, pays palimony and dates a supermodel.

In the extensive research I did for this little essay, I took a look at the Highlights web-site. Goofus and Gallant have made a comeback in the magazine. Eerily, they're still young, but they've got a whole new hipper, cable-cartoon-friendly look. The old cartoon captions are gone and now it's a sort of "choose your own adventure" style story where you have to decide whether to follow Goofus or Gallant's advice.

Here's a hint for you, kids of today, learned from my years of reading Highlights when I was your age. Just do what Gallant says. It's a sure way to win the game.